January First Two Thousand Twenty

It’s that time of year, and resolutions come flooding to your mind at the speed of light. Pen and paper come to play, and changes after changes are cemented, and actions move forward towards completion, at least for the first couple weeks of the year. I am a creature of this habit and will not deny that at all. For the past couple of years, I have “rebranded” not only, Christy Classyfied, but myself, every January 1st attempting to grow from then on fully. Each year, I start with a bang, I keep pushing and pushing, but two months or so later, I slowly begin fading on stamina to keep going. This past year, 2019, I honestly thought it was going to be my year. I once again rebranded Christy Classyfied, and to top it off, I booked two acting jobs within the first couple of months. I felt non-stop, renewed, motivated, and inspired. I would film two or three videos per day, submit myself to more auditions that I could keep up with, it was challenging, but I felt I could do it. It was refreshing to feel like I was finally getting somewhere. It isn’t to say that I haven’t grown a lot and accomplished things since the start of my acting career and Christy Classyfied, but 2019 just felt like the year more doors opened than closed. 

Today, January 1st, 2020, I am here again, trying to rebrand, push forward, and give it my all. It may make some of you wonder, “Well, what makes this year different?” My answer to that would be the final months before the new year. At about the middle of the year, at the end of July, I lost someone that was like a father figure in my life, my old boss, Dr. Morales. How sudden this was, how painful this was, made me slowly lose the motivation and strength to push forward. Shortly after this, a family that is near and dear to my heart lost their grandfather to Alzheimer’s.  This disease has also affected my family deeply. It took my loving grandmother.

Moreover, it was something that, to this day, I have not fully gotten over. Death has always been hard for me to process, the point where I don’t allow myself to grieve. The thing about not allowing yourself to grieve, is eventually it catches up with you. Your body can only hold so much emotion before it breaks.

At the beginning of November, I had the worse anxiety attack I have ever had. It happened while I was driving. I felt like I had no control. I had to pull over, go to urgent care. It was such an uncomfortable time for me. After that, it was a spiral of things. It started with the anxiety attack, that leads to excessive heartburn, where it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t eat anything. Then came tension headaches, which triggered my vertigo, I felt dizzy, couldn’t drive, move around. To say November was a hard time in my life feels like an understatement. On top of it, I had an acting job starting at the end of the month that I did not want to turn down. One thing that helped me get better during this time was to write. I sat down, brought out an old empty journal that I bought in my college years with the intent of filling it with my thoughts, feelings, etc., and I finally did all that. I wrote down everything that came to mind. Every thought, feeling, pent up idea that I had. It was liberating, and almost you can say freeing. It was what I needed. Every day was leading up to November 22nd, the day my acting job began, I felt weights slowly lifting off my shoulders as I kept writing. I was not going to let my anxiety stop me from pushing forward.

From November 22nd to December 29th, I spent my time fully immersed in the world that is the Polar Express. A magical train ride that never sleeps, where believing is more than just merely seeing. Here, on this train, I was surrounded by talented, funny, loving, and creative individuals. I was dancing and singing about hot chocolate, passing out snickerdoodles and bells. We spent an entire month together, not only bringing the spirit of Christmas and believing in Santa in children but those of the elder persuasion as well. The Polar Express was my saving grace at the end of this year. It was my motivation, my joy, and my happiness. It sometimes takes things like this to remind you of why you do what you do, why your passion is your passion.

The main thing I realized from this is that I can’t keep putting my dreams on the back burner. I can’t keep pushing things to the side whenever I feel down or upset. Yes, sometimes, it’s okay to take as many mental breaks as you need, but sometimes, putting your frustrations into the things that make you happy can create something beautiful and powerful. So here we are, new year, new me. Well, same me, but a new promise. This promise to myself is what makes this time different, and my outlook is different, my soul is different. My mind, my heart and my goals are different, and I’m just so ready for this year.

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